Kung Fu Asshole   1 comment

This is the story I will be reading tomorrow at the Inspired Mic. It comes from my new book. The book is available for Kindle right now and as soon as I get the proofs back and can okay it, It will be available on Amazon as a paperback. It took long enough but I finally finished it. That is what happens when you write two completely different books at the same time.



This is the story of the only time Mike (Super Jew) Katz and Frank (Young Frankenstein) Walsh ever had to go to the Civilian Complaint review Board.

Now Mike and Frank did not like to fight at all. They didn’t make a lot of collars. They were more into just giving tickets and avoiding trouble. Some cops had been known to say if they were any more laid back they’d be stuffed.

 They were leisurely patrolling along Bushwick Avenue one day,  when Central called.

“Central to Eight-Three Eddie-Frank for a 10-52 K.”

Frank answered, “Eddie-Frank, go ahead Central.”

“Eddie-Frank respond to a 10-52 Family Dispute 1241 Gates Avenue second floor meet complainant Anderson.”

Frank and Mike rolled slowly to the scene hoping the fight would be over by the time they got there.

Frank always said, “If Central doesn’t say it’s a violent dispute, take your time. Most the time if you don’t rush they’ll kiss and make up before you get there. The job will handle itself. You can go for days without actually having to do anything but drive up and say is everybody happy.”

This was not one of those days. They could see the second floor apartment door was open as they entered the hall. They didn’t hear any screaming so that was the first good sign.  Unfortunately it was also the last good sign.

Upon reaching the second floor landing a girl came running out of the apartment screaming that he’s crazy. He was trying to kill her.

Entering the apartment they saw a young man standing in the middle of the kitchen with his back to them. The table was flipped over and food thrown all around. Mike was still hoping that they could clear this as condition corrected without having to do anything.

Mike said, “Police, everything all right here?”

The man who looked to be about twenty slowly turned, gave the two cops his best Bruce Dern psycho stare and screamed, “Get the fuck out of my house or I’ll kill you.”

Frank looked at Mike and keyed in his portable radio, “Eight-Three Eddie-Frank to Central K.”


“Can I have a 10-85 forthwith at this location on a violent dispute, Possible Psycho.”

“Eight-Three John-King read direct Central enroute.”

“Okay John-King, Eddie-Frank did you receive.”

“Affirmative Central.”

Mike put his hands out trying to calm the man, “Relax we’re just here to find out what’s happening. We aren’t here to hurt anyone.”

The psycho screams again, “What’s happening? What’s happening? I’ll tell you what’s happening. None of your damn business is happening. Now get out or I’ll kill you both.”

“Whoa, whoa no one has to be hurt. Let’s talk about this.”

At that the twenty year old asshole pulled out a pair of Nunchucks and went into the whole Bruce Lee routine. He has one stick under his right arm and the other in his right hand.

Mike said, “Hey, hey put that away before somebody gets hurt.”

With that the man goes into action and the stick flew out from under his arm. The stick was swinging around so fast the cops could see it only as a blur. They backed up a couple of steps. The man was jumping, spinning and screaming. They could hear the stick whizzing around him. Both cops pulled their guns.

Frank looked at Mike, “This fuckin guy is scary. We may have to shoot him.”

Mike nodded, “Yeah you better shoot him.”

“Me? Why me? Why don’t you shoot him?”

Before either one could fire a shot they learned he was not quite as good as they thought he was. On a pass around his neck he hit himself in the back of the head. Blood spurted out onto the wall behind him. He staggered for a couple of seconds but as they tried to move in on him he regained his footing. 

The sticks never slowed, speeding behind and in front of him. Mike and Frank separated to make it harder for him to focus on them. Both continued trying to talk him into a peaceful surrender. He was swiveling his head and spinning from one to the other when he lost concentration and struck himself on the left side of the face. The chain between the sticks smacked into his nose which broke immediately. He was now bleeding from the back of his head. His left eye was swollen shut and the skin around it split open, blood was gushing from there and from his nose.

 He was now covered with blood. The two cops who hadn’t even touched him were standing there with their mouths hanging open, stunned by what was happening in front of them.

 Frank said, “Mike, we’re going to have to stop this guy before he kills himself.”

 “How, he’s moving so fast I can’t get near him?”

As he spun blood flew out hitting the walls and the two cops. Luckily, on the next pass behind his back his stick slammed into his left elbow. When it did, the nunchucks flew out of his hand and he grabbed his arm. They tackled and handcuffed him before he had a chance to fight. At the hospital, it was determined that he had fractured his nose and left orbit. He needed twelve stitches in his head and he had also broken his own elbow.

He was arrested for Menacing and Criminal Possession of a Weapon. In court the next day at arraignment the judge ordered him to Kings County for a ten day mental health exam. His Legal Aid Attorney filed the civilian complaint calling it police brutality. It was eventually ruled in their favor, but for two cops who had never been to CCRB before it was frightening. The cops never heard from him again. As a Kung Fu master he turned out to be more Jerry Lewis than Bruce Lee.



Posted March 14, 2018 by kevingcox in Random Thoughts

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One response to “Kung Fu Asshole

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  1. As stupid as it sounds, we all lived it but the public will never believe it. They were brutal cops.

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