Archive for May 2015

The Plunger   1 comment

plungerIt was a quiet four to twelve. Harry and Sean were on patrol as the snow, nature’s policeman fell. The pure white snow-covered the dirty streets lending a beauty in the moon light.

At ten-fifteen the patrol car’s radio crackled breaking the silence.

“83 Charlie!”

“Charlie Standing by.”

“83 Charlie 10-10 screams. Meet complainant Johnson 2017 Greene Ave. third floor.”

“Charlie enroute”

Sean unkeyed the mike and turned to Harry, “Third floor again. I hope we don’t have to carry another fat bastard down to an ambulance. There should be a law that anyone over three hundred pounds has to live on the first floor.”

Harry laughed, “I know what you mean that last asshole was three decent sized men in one skin. Oh well let’s go see what we’ve got.”

Arriving at the apartment Harry rapped on the door with his nightstick.

“Police.”, why on TV do they always say NYPD who the hell do they think it would be Peoria?

The door opened and a short shaking man in a tee-shirt came out.

Sean said, “You called?”

“Yeah it’s bad.”

“What’s bad? What’s the problem?”

“I heard horrible screams coming from the apartment upstairs. I was in Viet Nam; I’ve heard people scream when they were dying. When they had arms or legs blown off, but I never heard anyone scream like this.”

On the fourth floor Harry knocked at the locked door, no answer, “Do you think we should take the door.”

Sean answered, “Wait let me try to see inside from the fire escape.”

“Sounds good.”

Sean went up over the roof and down the fire escape. Looking into the kitchen he saw nothing. Leaning far over he was able to get a look through the bathroom window. There he saw a huge man lying in the tub, looking at his face Sean was sure the apartment’s occupant was exceedingly dead.

Back in the hallway Sean said, “Harry, take the door.”

“Someone in there need help?”

“I think he is way past that but I guess we should check.”

The door crashed open and they went to the bathroom. The male in the tub was way over four hundred pounds and would never be any deader. When Sean checked the body in the bloody wet tub he noticed the rubber end of a plunger down between the DOA’s legs.

“Harry look at this.”

Harry leaned over for a better look and said, “Holy shit, the whole handle is inside him.  I think the lump up near his rib cage is the other end of the plunger.”

Sean said, “Damn, I don’t know why he was on it like that but it looks like he slipped and that thing tore right through him. I guess that’s when he screamed. I can’t blame him for that. I bet that had a sting to it. We better call the Sgt.”

Sean didn’t know if the plunger killed him or if he had a heart attack or what but the results were the same he was quite dead. So everyone showed up. The Detectives and the ME were trying to decide if it was an accident or someone rammed it up there.

Det. Glen Prince asked Sean, “Did you see the plunger in the body’s rectum right away?”

Sean told Glen, “Rectum, I think it fuckin killed him.”

Glen laughed, “You are one sick bastard.”

Sean said, “Yeah but you laughed. Harry and I are going out in the hall it’s too crowded here. Call us if you need us.”

As they exited the apartment they saw a drunk coming up the stairs.

Harry stopped him, “Sir, you can’t come up here.”

“Why not? I live on the first floor I have a right to know what’s happening in my building. Now move or I’ll move you.”

Harry stood to his full six-foot five-inch height and answered him, “Actually, one you don’t have that right and two if you try to move me I am going to throw you down those stairs. Understand?”

The drunk had an abrupt personality change and asked quite nicely, “Why can’t I go in?”

Sean answered, “It is a crime scene and only those involved are allowed in.”

“Was he murdered?”

“We don’t know yet.”

“Can’t I just go and see him for a second?”

“No.”

“I won’t touch anything.”

Harry said, “Look turn around, go downstairs and have another drink. You are starting to annoy me. I don’t like being annoyed and believe me you won’t like annoying me.”

“Can you at least tell me how he died?”

“We don’t know yet asshole, get out of here.”

“What did you see? How do you think he died?”

Sean said, “If you agree to go away I’ll tell you but you can’t tell anyone I told you.”

“I promise I won’t tell.”

“Now keep it to yourself but he plunged to his death.”

Harry solemnly shook his head and said, “I’m sorry man.”

As the drunk headed down the stairs Det. Prince came out of the apartment, “Who’s that?”

Sean answered, “Just a drunk from the first floor.”

“What did he want?”

“He wanted to know how this guy died.”

“What’d you tell him?”

“I told him he plunged to his death.”

“You sick bastard. God’s gonna get you for that one.”

The body was bagged and tagged and in the dead wagon before too long. So the night ended and like most nights it was straight to the B&G after work. It would be a good night for pinball and beer. Plus this was a good story and Sean wanted to tell it. After getting changed he walked to the corner bar.

Sean opened the door and heard Det. Prince say, “Rectum the fuckin thing killed him.”

Sean thought, Son of a bitch he stole my story and my joke but at least I still got one good one line left.

As he reached the knot of cops laughing at the story Glen stole from him Sean heard Glen finish, “and that’s the story of the man who plunged to his death.”

As the crowd roared Sean turned to Bob the bartender, “Gimme a beer.”

 

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Posted May 5, 2015 by kevingcox in Random Thoughts

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