One for the Road   1 comment

coffinI am sure many of you who were cops have been asked how you handled the things you saw. I have been asked that many times. My short answer is humor. The more skin crawling the incident the darker the humor would be. It was not always ha-ha funny, often the reaction would be the groan of a bad pun. “That’s disgusting” was often heard from non-cops. As for cops the usual reaction to a real good/bad incident joke would be a laugh and “You are one sick bastard.” The secret was to never ever take it to heart. Here is a quick story to illustrate what I mean. How many of you who worked in the 83 remember this incident?

It was on a midnight when the call came in 10-10 Recorded Alarm. It was at a funeral home, which one I won’t mention. The assigned car was checking the perimeter when the owner arrived and opened the door for them. They went inside to check and all seemed secure. There are few places as eerie as a funeral home at two AM so they were moving pretty fast to get out of there. All the doors were unlocked except one.

One of the cops asked the owner, “What’s in this room?”

He replied, “Nothing it’s just a viewing room. Go on in.”

The cops answered, “The doors locked.”

The owner said, “It shouldn’t be. Hold on I’ve got the key.”

When he unlocked the door the cops told him, “Wait up, let us go in first to check it out.”

They entered cautiously sweeping the room with their flashlights. One of the beams of light illuminated a coffin on the far end of the room.

The cop holding that light exclaimed, “Holy shit.”

They approached the coffin as the funeral director entered the room. Inside the coffin was the body of a woman. She had been turned to face down in the satin lined box. She had been bent at the waist and up on her knees. Her dress pulled up over her back exposing her ass. A pair of pants was on the floor at the foot of the coffin. They found the perp hiding behind the drapes that served as a backdrop.

They pulled him from the concealing drapes at gunpoint. He started crying, “Don’t shoot me. I didn’t do anything wrong. She’s my girlfriend.”

After questioning the male told his side of the story, “We’ve been having an affair for ten years. Her husband is my friend and I am married. I really loved her but she wouldn’t leave her husband. When she died I knew I couldn’t let her go without saying goodbye. I hid in the bathroom when they closed. I wanted to make love to her for the last time. So it’s okay I can leave now that we have had our last goodbye.”

Turning to the funeral director he said, “ Do you want me to fix her clothes or do you want to do it?” To the cops he said, “Don’t tell my wife or her husband okay?”

The cop said, “Put on your pants. You’re under arrest.”

“No you can’t arrest me I just told you its okay. We are in love.”

The cop said, “Unless she gets up and tells me that you are under arrest.”

Unlike Lazarus she didn’t awaken. He was taken away to central booking and from there to court. It made for an interesting Arraignment the next day.

So that is an incident that would give many people nightmares. For the cops in the precinct the reaction was a bit different, for next month every time a cop drove past that funeral parlor he would ask his partner if he wanted to stop in for a cold one. That is one that usually gets the “That’s disgusting” from non-cops and a laugh followed by “You are one sick bastard” from cops.


One response to “One for the Road

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  1. Luckily that was one crime scene I never had to deal with! There were a wide variety of creepy things I saw; and prefer to forget them where possible. A cold one was always OK though!

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