Options   4 comments

Henry & Me1After roll call Lieutenant Johnson called Harry and I over and asked if we would try to serve some bench warrants. The normal warrant men were tied up with court, so the C.O. wanted one car on each tour to attempt to serve warrants if we had the manpower for it.
We jumped at it, Bench Warrants are great. You go out hunting, make the collar and you never have to go to court. To paraphrase an old obscene saying it’s “Find em, frisk em, cuff em, forget em.” So it was off to the warrant office to grab a handful. We turned out in an unmarked car which is also good.
Our first target was on Covert Street. He failed to appear on his hearing date for a Felony Assault. He had stabbed his friend because his friend laughed at him for cheating in a game of solitaire.
As we pulled up we saw a man walking out of the house that matched our description. We came up behind him, he didn’t even know we were there until we grabbed him.
I said “Darryl Johnson, we have a warrant for your arrest.”
“I’m not Darryl Johnson.”
“What’s your name then?”
“Jones.”
“Your first name?”
“Smith.”
“Are you trying to tell me your name is Smith Jones?”
“Yeah, Smith Jones.”
“Let me see some ID.”
“I don’t have any.”
“Check your wallet for ID.”
“I don’t have a wallet.”
“I can see it in your back pocket. Take it out.”
“It’s not mine.”
“Whose wallet is it then?”
“I don’t know.”
“Take it out and let’s see who’s wallet you have Mr. Smith Jones.”
He took out his wallet. “Open it and take out the Driver’s License.”
He did and handed it to me. I looked at the license and said.
“Holy Shit, What a coincidence this wallet belongs to Darryl Johnson and he looks exactly like you. Mr. Smith Jones you have a long lost twin brother.”
“It’s me.”
We cuffed Mr. Smith Jones and after filling out a few papers dropped him off. We were back on the street in less than an hour. Bench warrants are easy.
Scott Chubalka was the next target on the list. This asshole had failed to appear for a DWI. There was an accident involved and a few people were badly hurt luckily nobody died.
We saw that he had skipped out of the apartment he had been living in. Since we knew he wasn’t working and was afraid to give welfare a new address we decided to stop at his mother’s home. We knocked on the door and asked if Scott was there. His Mom said he was sleeping. Son of a bitch, this is too easy. It’s almost no fun when they just fall in front of you on the first try.
We went to the bedroom and there he was. He heard us in the hall. He was standing on the bed wearing only his yellow stained, skid marked jockeys. It was a terrible sight. He was about six foot tall and an easy three hundred and eighty pounds. He didn’t have a lot of muscle. He actually looked a bit like the Pillsbury dough boy. So much fat it looked like he didn’t even have bones, just rolls of bouncing pasty flab. Scott stood up there in his tighty whiteys which although exceedingly tighty were not very whitey. He attempted to intimidate Harry and me with his display of fat and streaked underwear. It was disgusting and comical but not very intimidating.
I told him “Get dressed Scott, You’re under arrest.”
“I am not under arrest .You’re not arresting me, I’m not going to jail.”
“Get dressed or we will drag you out like you are.”
“No, I’m not under arrest. I’m not going to jail. You can’t make me go.” He said spitting and slobbering.
Now it was my turn. I held up the warrant.
“This is a Bench Warrant. A Bench Warrant is a Court Order. It is not a court suggestion. You are under arrest. You are coming with us. You are going to jail. The only questions are will we be stopping at the hospital on the way to the jail for stitches and will you be wearing pants as we take you out or will you go in your dirty drawers?”
“You can’t do that.”
“We can and we will. We will drag your fat ass out of here through the street to our car in your drawers. I will take you to the hospital to get stitched up. Then you will still go to jail. It will just hurt a lot more.”
He decided to put his pants on and walk out unmarked. It was a wise decision, one of the very few that asshole had ever made in his life.

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Posted April 22, 2013 by kevingcox in Uncategorized

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4 responses to “Options

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  1. Crazy!

    Karen (Lolly Cox) Slusser
  2. I really liked this. Felt like I was in the room with you. You make idiot criminals funny! I hope to read your book.

  3. another goodie and so true especially the TIDY DIRTIES …..and like pepper said you really feel like your right there with you

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