Arresting Idiots   Leave a comment

henry-me1 Today I will just write of arresting stupid people. Now many of those I arrested were dumber than a box of rocks but these were special. I don’t think they even realized how dumb they were.

Our first hero was arrested at his home on a bench warrant. His wife let us in to the house. He was in bed. When we woke him up he stood up on the bed. With fists raised. It was a terrible sight. He was about six foot tall and an easy three and a quarter. He didn’t not have a lot of muscle. He actually looked a bit like the Pillsbury dough boy. So much fat it looked like he didn’t even have bones just rolls of bouncing flab.

He stood up there in his tighty whiteys which although exceedingly tighty were not very whitey. He attempted to frighten my partner and I with his display of fat and streaked underwear. It was not very intimidating.

He yelled that he was not under arrest. He was not going with us. He was not going to jail. He was spitting and slobbering all the while. Now it was my turn. I held up the paper and said “This is a Bench Warrant. A Bench Warrant is a Court Order. It is not a court suggestion. You are under arrest. You are coming with us. You are going to jail. The only questions are will we be stopping at the hospital on the way to the jail and will you be wearing pants as we take you out or will you go in your dirty drawers?”

He looked at me and said” You can’t do that.” I told him “I can and I will. I will drag your fat ass out of here in your drawers. I will take you to the hospital to get stitched up. Then you will still go to jail. He decided to put pants on and walk out unmarked.

Moron number two was arrested for burglary at Bushwick High School.   We had a recorded alarm and as we showed up so did the custodian. He opened the side door and there was our burglar. He was walking towards us backwards. We just stood there and as he reached us I grabbed him. He turned to me and said “Oh, can’t I go in?” I smacked him in the head and said “What is this the Three Stooges?” This of course must be fiction because anyone who worked with me knows I would never, ever smack someone upside his head for something like that. Right? He then admitted he was in the school but claimed he only went in when he found a window that must have been opened by someone else. All he did was go swimming in the pool. The custodian said there is no water in the pool. Our quick thinking genius then said no wonder it hurt when I dove in. Smack number two. Fiction again, I was a non-violent saint on patrol.

Well that’s it for now. I could go on and on and dumber and dumber but I don’t want to make this too long.

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Posted December 28, 2012 by kevingcox in Random Thoughts

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